"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
