dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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