so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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