I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
