Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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