I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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