I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
