Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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