neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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