I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
and you fell through a lawn chair
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
