I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
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