my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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