It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
