How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
