Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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