I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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