Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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