hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
