With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You should frame my arrest warrant.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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