he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
