Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i love accidental penises.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
