Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
