i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
