I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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