there's paper in my vomit.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
