No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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