i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Pappa wants mamma naked
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
