right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
