she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.