So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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