If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
