i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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