i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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