he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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