Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Randomize
