Midget sex pt 2 tonight
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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