she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
