I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
