I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
COCAINE IS GR8
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
