I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
