there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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