I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
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I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
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I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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