Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
