Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
