Umm I'm too high to move.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
