I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
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Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
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I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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