I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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