at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
accomplished twins. life is a go
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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