lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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