I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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