good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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