I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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