So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
