I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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