I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Randomize
