Capitaan dildo arrescate!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
