dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.